We're Taking The Stairs!
by Cookiekitten
Summary: The Turks are trying to get to work, but Reno breaks the elevator! Looks like they'll have to take the stairs... Join the Turks as they make life difficult for themselves and everyone else!
1. We're Taking The Stairs!

**Author Note: I think I'll turn this into a series of stories about the Turks… stay tuned. Oh yeah, feel free to give me some ideas! I love doing requests if I run short on ideas.  
**

**Disclaimer: Yeah, I don't own Final Fantasy VII or the Turks. _Sigh_…**

* * *

"Grrr… Hurry it up, yo!"

Rude raised an eyebrow as Reno, never known for being patient, hit the non-responding elevator with his nightstick. The redhead growled angrily when the elevator still refused to open.

"President of the most powerful company in the world, and he…won't…even…put…in…_A_…_WORKING_…_ELEVATOR!_" he said in an increasingly loud voice. He was about to rant some more about Rufus Shinra's 'cheapskate-ness' when his other two coworkers arrived at the elevator. There was a short (and for Reno and Rude, embarrassing) pause.

Tseng finally took the initiative to break the awkward silence:

"…_What_ are you guys doing?"

Reno looked at the elevator, and then back to his boss. "Is this some kind of rhetorical question, or what? I'm trying to get the elevator to work, what the hell does it look like we're doing?"

Elena, who had been inspecting the elevator's button panel with Rude, looked up. "I'm sorry, Sir. It's not going to work anytime soon. Someone spilled beer in it and it looks like some of the fuses have blown."

All eyes were now on Reno and Rude. Tseng looked at the two and said wearily, "Please don't tell me you two did this."

Rude looked rather uncomfortable in the center of attention. After a short moment, he pointed at his partner. "…it was Reno."

"Rude! You're a traitor!" Reno quickly hid what looked like a beer behind his back. Elena rounded on him angrily.

"How are we going to get to work _now_, Reno? You've killed the damn elevator!"

"Shut up, Elena!"

"You shut up!"

"Oh nice comeback, blondie! Stop acting so weak!"

That was the last straw for Elena, who brought her fist back and attempted to land it on Reno's face. Reno easily blocked the blow, thanks to his particularly good reflexes, but he forgot that his hand was clutched around the beer can. As he blocked Elena's punch, more beer spilled out, narrowly missing Rude, but splattering the report that Tseng was carrying.

With an obvious effort, the Wutaian managed to say in a calm, dignified voice, "We'll just have to take the stairs."

There was another short silence.

"Um… Sir?" Elena asked, attempting to sound professional, though her brown eyes were wide with disbelief, "If we did that, we'd have to climb about...sixty flights of stairs."

Tseng sighed. "I know, but Rufus won't accept 'the elevator was broken' as an excuse to miss work. Besides, he'd want to know _how_ the elevator got broken, and even though it's Reno's fault, we'll _all_ get blamed for not 'exercising control over him'."

Rude, expressionless as ever, merely said, "…Looks like we have no choice." He readjusted his sunglasses.

Reno, who had paled visibly when he heard that they'd have to climb all the way up the Shinra building, was feverishly pushing buttons, trying to get the busted elevator to work. Elena grabbed his ponytail and dragged him away, muttering, _"Stop that before you cause even more damage!"_

Tseng shook his head, feeling a headache coming soon. The day was already off to a bad start...

* * *

The first several flights of stairs had been okay. However, after about ten minutes of silence, Reno and Elena had started bickering again.

"I'm getting tired, yo…"

"Shut up, Reno. You're not allowed to complain because this entire thing is your fault!"

"You must be getting tired too, Laney. I'm surprised that you haven't asked Tseng to carry you."

"What? Why you little—"

This argument went on for the next couple minutes, until Tseng and Rude, both looking very annoyed, threatened to tie them up and leave them in the stairwell. Silence then reigned again until the Turks reached the forty-ninth floor.

"Heh heh heh heh…" The first three turned and looked at Elena, who looked like she had begun to crack. Evidently, the pressures of keeping up with her coworkers while wearing heeled shoes, and the frustration of not being allowed to talk were affecting her.

"…You're creeping me out, Laney. Maybe you _should_ carry her, boss-man." Reno said, looking at the blonde. Tseng sighed, scooping her up and throwing her over his shoulder. Elena immediately started playing with his hair.

They took a break at the fifty-third floor. Unsurprisingly, Rude looked the least affected out of all of them, and stood polishing his sunglasses. Reno looked particularly unhappy and was muttering random profanities under his breath, the words 'Rufus,' 'craphead,' and 'elevator' popping up occasionally. Tseng was trying to get Elena to lose her grip on his hair, though it didn't seem to be working:

"Elena, _please_ let go."

"….."

"Elena..?"

"…zzzzzz—AHH! Did you say something, Sir?" Elena blinked several times; evidently, she had been sleeping. Realizing what she was doing, the young woman quickly released her grip on his hair, blushing. Tseng smiled slightly at her. At least he wouldn't need to carry her any longer.

Rude was now trying to calm Reno, who was openly _yelling_ profanities about their 'stupid-ass cheapskate president'.

* * *

Waiting for his Turks on the sixtieth floor, Rufus Shinra pulled out his shotgun and began polishing it. "Where the hell are those idiots?" he yelled at an unfortunate Reeve, who was getting coffee.

"Mr. President, they may have taken the stairs," Reeve stammered, eyeing the shotgun, "It seems that the elevators aren't functioning right now."

Rufus blinked. "They're taking the _stairs_?" he asked incredulously. Reeve nodded. "Um, yes… Actually, one of my Cait Sith models was downstairs, and I witnessed the Turks…err... break the elevators by accident."

Rufus blinked again. "They _broke_ the elevators..? How the hell did they do that?

"…Reno got beer in the control panel."

Rufus shook his head. "What a surprise." Reeve looked uncomfortable; the last thing he wanted was to get the Turks in trouble, as they were very skilled in getting revenge. "Are you going to punish them, Sir?"

Rufus smiled. "No. They'll get what's coming to them for breaking company property…" Reeve looked at him questioningly, and he continued, "One of Hojo's experiments has escaped and is residing on the fifty-eighth stairwell. I think dealing with _that_ will serve as a reasonable punishment…"

Reeve swallowed nervously.


	2. I'm Going To Kill Hojo!

**Yay, second chapter! We get to see if the Turks survive Hojo's creation or not...**

* * *

Rufus sat at his chair, tapping his pen against the desk. The sound of pounding footsteps made him look up and, smirking, he glanced towards the door that led to the stairwells. The young president grinned, beginning a countdown in his head.

_'5…4…3…2…1—'_

BAM!

The door suddenly burst open and four figures wearing blue suits dashed in, panting for breath. Rude quickly slammed the door closed again, while Elena grabbed several chairs and propped them against the handle.

"I am gonna kill Hojo!" Reno snarled. His red hair was even more messy than usual, a feat that Rufus had previously thought was impossible to accomplish. "One of his frickin' experiments is in the stairwell and it tried to kill us!"

"And why, Reno, were you four climbing the stairs?" Rufus asked smoothly. Reno sputtered for a second and then flashed a lazy grin, pointing at the newest Turk.

"Hey, Elena was messing with the elevator, so I took the liberty of trying to stop her. But it was too late and—"

"Reno, that's not what happened, you liar!"

Rufus shook his head. "Never mind about that. How did you manage to deal with that…_thing_ Hojo made?"

"Well, it was like this, yo…"

_-Flashback-_

"We're almost to the top!" Elena said happily. "Fifty-eighth floor! Only two more to go!" She briefly closed her eyes, yawning, but then let out a startled squeak as the other Turks stopped in front of her.

"Ow! Sorry Rude…" the young woman apologized when she bumped into her bald companion. "What did you guys stop for...?" her eyes nearly doubled in size when she saw what was in front of them: a hideously ugly monster, no doubt made by Hojo.

The monster reared back its long, reptilian head, and then spit a large quantity of mako-green liquid at them. The Turks dodged instinctively, but they did not escape the attack entirely.

"Crap! What the hell is this?" Reno spat, lifting up his sleeve. It was covered in a sticky slime that resembled key-lime pie filling.

"Be careful, Elena!" Tseng shouted as a bullet narrowly missed him. "I'm sorry Sir," Elena said with panicky tones, "I'm trying, but I can't work my gun right with all this slime on my hands!"

Rude was having similar luck; the fiend seemed to have some sort of armor plating on its body and his powerful punches didn't seem to have any effect. The monster only seemed to be getting angrier.

"Physical attacks won't work." Rude grunted, looking frustrated. He readjusted his black fighting gloves before attempting another attack. "Have any ideas, boss?"

"If I did, I'd tell you guys." Tseng said. He ducked as the fiend sent another slime-attack their way.

_'This sucks…'_ Reno thought, as he watched his teammates try, unsuccessfully, to hurt the creature. _'This freak has to have some kind of weakness…wait! If it's living in this dark stairwell, maybe it's sensitive to light!'_

The redhead pulled out his trusty nightstick which, coincidentally, was equipped with a powerful electric flashlight. He flicked it on and stuck the rod right in the thing's face. It shrieked, backing away, holding its clawed hands in front of its face.

"Yeah, that's right! The power of Holy compels you, demon!" Reno said victoriously. The fiend turned and ran back into the darkness. Reno signaled for the other three to follow him and the Turks ran up the last two flights of stairs, opening the door and thankfully dashing inside.

_-End Flashback-_

"'The power of Holy compels you?' Reno, you are aware that all you did was shine a flashlight into its eyes, right?" Rufus asked, eyebrow raised.

"Yup," Reno said cheerfully.

Rufus sighed, rubbing his temples. "You four are excused from work until tomorrow. Reeve's fixed the elevators." The president pointed across the room, where the executive was putting the final touches on the button panels, aided by three of his Cait Sith robots.

"You mean we came all the way up the stairs just to be sent back home?" Elena asked. She looked a bit put out that all their hard work had been done for nothing. Rufus blinked at her.

"Would you rather stay and work… looking like _that_?" he asked, gesturing to their uniforms. He noted, with disgust, that all four of the Turks seemed to be covered with what looked like lime Jell-O, and it was beginning to stain his expensive white carpet.

"Oh yeah…"

Rufus pointed at the newly fixed elevator. "You're dismissed! Reno, you're not allowed to touch the elevator! Tseng, stop wringing out your hair on my carpet, it's staining! Elena, Rude, stop trying to kill Hojo!" He rolled his eyes as they left. How did he put up with those idiots?


	3. Revenge Is Sweet

**Ack, midterm exams are coming... I should be studying instead of submitting this... oh well.**

* * *

Reno was bored.

Any normal person who worked at Shinra would recognize this as a danger sign. However, it was a sad and unfortunate fact that most people who worked there _didn't_ qualify as normal.

Today, Hojo had walked into his lab to discover that _someone_ had changed the computer screensavers into photoshopped pictures of Rufus in a bikini, squirted whipped cream over several important documents, and had spray painted 'MY NAME IS HOJO AND I AM A FREAK AND VALENTINE TOTALLY PWNS ME!!' on the walls.

Hojo was not very pleased. In fact, his furious scream could be heard throughout the entire building. Several floors away, Reno let a quiet snicker escape his breath.

Tseng looked alarmed. "Reno, what did you do?" The redhead immediately took on a mock offended look. "Why do you always assume it was me?" he protested, pretending to look hurt.

"Reno, it's usually your fault." Elena piped up in a matter-of-fact voice as she and Rude joined the group. Reno arranged his face into a pathetically pouty look.

"You guys all hate me. I'm not keen on getting shot by Hojo's giant tranquilizer gun again. Last time that happened, I was all dopey and couldn't even stand up."

"…Half the time when you come into work, you're like that anyway."

"Thanks for the support, Rude."

Hojo's screams were getting louder and closer. In fact, they were so loud that Rude swore that the ceiling was starting to shake. Elena suddenly grabbed Tseng's arm.

"C'mon sir, there's a…um…report that I need to show you!" She pulled the Wutaian quickly out of the room.

"Great! Now what're we supposed to—Hey!" Reno spotted Rude trying to sneak out of the room as well. "No way, Rude! We're in this together, right?"

Rude had already left.

Reno glared at the place where his partner had stood seconds ago. "You know what, Rude? Just for that, I'm gonna break into your apartment and take all your sunglasses!" Reno turned to leave the room, but then paused, frozen with fear.

Hojo was standing in the doorway, holding a giant tranquilizer gun. The mad scientist let out an incredibly annoying laugh:

"Uwee hee hee hee hee!"

That was, without a doubt, the most annoying laugh Reno had _ever_ heard… Which was saying a lot, considering that he worked in the same place as Heidegger and Scarlet. Hojo repeated the insane, freakish, Kefka laugh with greater intensity:

_"Uwee hee hee hee hee! Uwee hee hee hee hee!!"_

Reno tried hard not to shoot him. As tempting as it was, Hojo _was_ an important executive. Killing him would probably result in lots of paperwork, and Tseng would most likely dock his paycheck.

Hojo was now spouting copious amounts of gibberish while waving his giant tranquilizer: "Ry ry! E's kuehk du gemm oui, Reno! Oui'mm byo vun tacdnuoehk so myp! Tea, tea!"

"…What? What the hell are you talking about?" Reno said, attempting to edge away from the scientist. "What—OW!"

Hojo had fired the tranquilizer gun.

Hours later, Rufus walked into the room, took a picture of Reno laying there with a dart sticking out of his ass, and left. The president laughed under his breath, preparing to email the picture to everyone in the building.

_That'll teach him._ Rufus thought smugly. Yes, revenge was sweet for Rufus Shinra.

* * *

**(A/N) Hojo's 'gibberish' is in Al Bhed… which you won't understand if you haven't played Final Fantasy X. He's actually saying: "Ha ha! I'm going to kill you Reno! You'll pay for destroying my lab! Die, die!" **

**In case it wasn't quite clear enough, Rufus wanted revenge because Reno photoshopped pictures of him.**

**Kefka's from Final Fantasy VI, and yes, he does laugh like that. xD  
**


	4. Opposites Attract

**Thank you guys so much for the support!**

* * *

Tseng and Elena seemed like complete opposites at times. Sure, they were both Turks, they were both almost annoyingly dedicated to their work, and they both probably spent their free-time kissing Rufus's ass. But, other than that, it was hard to see why they liked each other so much. As far as Reno was concerned, Elena was an overeager talking-machine, Tseng was a solemn stick-up-the-ass, and that was all that had to be said.

Lazily leaning back in his chair, the redhead grinned, remembering Elena's first day as a Turk when he was still in the hospital after fighting Strife…

_-Flashback-_

"Hi, you must be Reno! I'm Elena, nice to meet you!"

Reno slowly turned his head towards the blonde, hardly able to disguise his disgust. _This_ was his replacement? Turks were assassins, kidnappers, and murderers; people who would shoot first and not even bother asking questions.

Turks were _not_ bubbly, talkative girls.

Some part of his surprise must have shown up on his face, because Elena's smile faded, and she looked at him quizzically. "Something wrong, Sir?"

"Don't call me that."

"Oh, okay…um…Reno."

There was an awkward pause. Reno suddenly realized how stupid he must look, a heavy cast around his leg and numerous bandages on his arms where Strife had cut him with that stupid-large butcher knife he called a sword. Why did that chocobo-head even use a sword? His hair looked spiky enough to slice through concrete. Or at least poke out an eye or something.

Perhaps it was some kind of unspoken rule that no one in SOLDIER could have normal hair. Or wield a normal sized sword. Sephiroth must be behind it.

"Are you okay Reno?" Elena asked. It was a good thing that Tseng and Rude had warned her that Reno tended to zone out, thanks to his nonexistent attention span. Otherwise, she might have been offended at how his glazed eyes were fixed on her chest.

The redhead didn't respond so Elena waved her hand in front of Reno's face, causing him to finally snap out of his thoughts. He could ponder the mysteries of SOLDIER later; it wasn't like there was much else to do in this goddamn hospital…

He gestured for her to come closer; wincing as the movement made his bandaged arms burn with pain. Elena immediately was at his side, looking concerned.

"What's wrong?"

"Can I ride the pony, yo?"

Elena blinked, not understanding. Then, her eyes nearly tripled in size as the redhead attempted to slide a gil down her blouse.

_SMACK_.

"Shit! You didn't need to hit me! Can't you take a joke?" Reno groaned, nursing the side of his face. There was now a bright red handprint on his cheek and it hurt like _hell_.

"Shut up! I'm not some kind of pony-ride, you pervert!"

"Hey, I bet you wouldn't have minded if _Tseng_ had tried something like that."

Elena made a squeaking noise, a bright red flush spreading across her cheeks. Reno grinned in delight. To be honest, he'd been joking when he said his last comment. Talk about a lucky guess.

"Tseng would never do something like that," Elena finally replied, her voice quiet. She had given up on trying to make her blush go away. Tossing her hair defiantly, she added, "He doesn't have his mind in the gutter like _you_."

"You didn't say you wouldn't enjoy it though."

"Shut up. I don't like you," the blonde grumbled.

"Really?" Reno smiled. "I like you a lot, already."

"I'm leaving." Elena turned and walked out of the hospital room, slamming the door behind her noisily. A nearby nurse clucked disapprovingly, muttering about _'unnecessary disturbances'_.

Reno chuckled. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship…

_-End Flashback-_

That had been over two years ago, and Tseng and Elena were still fawning over each other from afar like a pair of schoolchildren. Reno thought it was even more pathetic than Palmer's frightening obsession with lard.

"That's it!" he announced loudly. "I'm setting them up for a date!"

* * *

That proved easier said than done. Tseng, at the mere mention of Elena, started spouting crap about how his feelings for her were completely 'professional'. It was probably the worst lie the redhead had ever heard.

Reno and Rude had already bugged Elena about her crush dozens of times in the past, so there was no point in trying again. Unless…

"I've got it!" Reno declared victoriously. Rude, who was nearby, raised one eyebrow from behind his sunglasses.

"Got 'what', Reno?"

"I've got an idea, of course. If all else fails, try blackmail!"

Rude shook his head, sighing. "You do that. Just don't complain to me when you show up tomorrow in a full-body cast."

"See, here's what I'm going to do." Reno continued, his partner's words having no effect. "I'll steal the diary that Laney always carries around with her. And if she wants it back, she'll have to ask the boss out on a date! Brilliant, huh?" Reno had such a large grin on his face; he would have made a Cheshire cat proud.

"You're a genius, Reno," Rude said, with barely concealed sarcasm. Reno dashed away, heading for the newest Turk's office. The bald Turk enjoyed a few minutes of silence, before—

"_RENO_! Give that back!"

"No way, Laney. You gotta do what I say, or else your diary goes through the paper shredder. Or the toilet, whatever you prefer."

"What?! Reno, you rotten—" Elena let out a frustrated scream, obviously beaten. "Fine! I'll do whatever you want, just give that back, _please_."

Reno looked around. No one was nearby, but he still leaned in and said in a whisper, "_You gotta ask Tseng out for a date, okay Laney?"_

Elena didn't say anything at first, but her expression was one of total mortification. She looked about to die from embarrassment. "O…okay." The blonde said in a dead voice. She turned and walked to her boss's office, wringing her hands. Taking a deep breath, she tentatively opened the door. "Sir?"

"What were you and Reno yelling about, Elena?" Tseng asked mildly. He was, as usual, surrounded by Reno's procrastinated paperwork.

"N-nothing… But I was just wondering…" Elena bit her lip. "Will you go out with me, Sir?" She stared at the carpet, as if there was something amazingly interesting about it. _He's so going to hate me now…_

Tseng blinked, a mixture of surprise and fondness spreading across his face. "Sure, Elena. I'll meet you at six, okay?" he said, smiling at her. Elena immediately brightened.

"Thank you, Sir! Would you like to help me kill Reno now, too?"

"Absolutely."

Maybe, they weren't that different after all.

* * *


	5. Vincent's Bad Day

**Here you go, Kysic! Gotta love Vincent and his angsty-ness!  
**

* * *

Vincent was having a bad day. He was stuck in Seventh Heaven babysitting Marlene and Denzel, as Tifa was visiting Yuffie in Wutai, and Cloud was moping in Aeris' church. But that wasn't what was bothering him right now.

What was bothering him was that, despite the 'closed' sign on the door, Reno and Rude had still managed to get in the bar and had refused to leave without drinks. Vincent thought that the two Turks brought stupidity to the next level. He briefly wondered if the redhead needed to wear a helmet.

Marlene and Denzel didn't seem to mind the Turks at all. Perhaps it was because they had visited the bar so often, they were no longer seen as strangers. Marlene was especially fond of Reno, because his hair slightly resembled Cloud's. And speaking of Cloud…

"Hey Vampy, where's Chocobo-head?" Reno asked, downing his third drink. The redhead seemed to have a nickname for every single person in AVALANCHE.

Therefore, Cloud, Tifa, Yuffie, Cid, Nanaki, Cait Sith, Vincent, and Barret were otherwise known as Chocobo-head, Boobs, Brat, Gramps, Fluffy, Reeve, Vampy, and Marshmallow-man.

Marlene didn't understand why her papa was nicknamed 'Marshmallow-man'. And, in all honesty, neither did Vincent. Reno smiled foolishly, and Rude just shook his head, looking slightly embarrassed.

"It's because once, your dad and the rest of AVALANCHE had to break into a ship to Costa del Sol," Reno explained, "and he wore a sailor's suit as a disguise. He looked like a bear wearing a marshmallow."

"Oh…" Denzel and Marlene nodded in understanding. Reno had to be the most random person on the planet.

By now, the conversation was rapidly deteriorating. Vincent felt his eye twitch. The gunman cleared his throat loudly.

"Are you two leaving anytime soon?"

"Nope. Hey—wait. I've been wondering about something…" Reno scratched his head and grinned sheepishly, "Are your eyes naturally red?"

Vincent didn't like where this was going. While he was quite emotionless and even uncaring on the outside, he wasn't that way on the inside. To be honest, he truly _hated _it when people commented on his unusual appearance.

"No, they're red because of Hojo," Vincent replied shortly, feeling rather annoyed, "Is your _hair_ naturally red?"

Reno instantly got defensive. "Yeah, of course my hair's natural! What are you talking about, yo?"

Rude looked amused by the whole situation. Reno angrily glared at his partner. "Shut up, Rude!"

"…I didn't say anything."

"Keep it that way. You're not allowed to say anything, because you don't _have_ hair! Ha!"

Oops, that was a bad mistake. Now _Rude_ looked pissed. Reno, despite the obvious danger of the situation, still was bold enough to crack a joke:

"Heh, when I die, it'll say on my gravestone: _Reno of the Turks, killed by bald partner and gun wielding vampire. Millions mourn the loss of one of the hottest guys in the universe and_—"

Rude rolled his eyes. "Keep dreaming Reno. I always imagined you dying in a really stupid way… like overdosing on cough syrup and dandelions."

Reno blinked, pretending to look hurt. "Well partner, with that little inspirational boost, I feel a lot better. Thanks for caring."

"…Whatever."

By now, Vincent was feeling even more annoyed, because now he was being _ignored_.

"Are you going to leave _now_?" he asked, trying not to sound too hopeful.

"Nah. This is getting boring though... Hey, I have an idea! We should all sing a song! I know just the one, too…" Reno had obviously had too much to drink. He took a deep breath and attempted to sing 'One Winged Angel':

"_Eds spawns chickadees,_

_Ring a bell, magic cheese,_

_Eds spawns chickadees,_

_Ring a bell, magic cheese,_

_SEPHIROTH!_

_SEPHIROTH!"_

Miles away, Sephiroth winced with the mental awareness of his awesome theme song being mutilated.

Reno had finished singing and slumped on the bar counter, fast asleep. Vincent was immensely relieved. Any more of that singing and he was sure that his ears would start bleeding. Rude's sunglasses had cracked from the sheer volume of the redhead's voice.

Vincent took a deep breath. "Can you two leave now, _please_?"

"Sure. Sorry about Reno, he's always like that." Rude looked more amused than sorry. The bald Turk lifted his unconscious companion over his shoulder and walked out the door, 'accidentally' bumping Reno's head against the door frame.

Vincent watched them leave. The Turks had really changed since he was shut in his coffin all those years ago.

* * *

**Sadly, I don't own that epic interpretation of One Winged Angel. I saw it on a website called 'magic cheese' or something.  
**


	6. The Turkey And The Chocobo

**Here you go -X-Loner-X-Starlight-X-, behold: Chocobo racing!**

* * *

Ever since an unfortunate accident during one of her missions, Elena had been deathly afraid of chocobos. She knew that it was a stupid, irrational fear, but the young woman was still too nervous to even _think_ about chocobo-racing at the Gold Saucer. But that didn't stop a certain kleptomaniac ninja from trying…

"C'mon Elena, they're not going to hurt you!" Yuffie said exasperatedly, watching Elena flinch as several chocobos pranced into the racing arena.

"…I don't like chocobos," the blonde Turk mumbled, looking disgusted at her own fear. The ninja rolled her eyes.

"Vincent doesn't either, and I still persuaded him to race against Cid once." Yuffie had a fond smile on her face, as if she was reliving a particularly special memory. "Well, maybe it was because I had stolen his materia and refused to give it back unless he tried racing… But that's not the point! Why don't you like chocobos anyway?"

"It's a long story."

"I'm listening."

"Well," Elena took a deep breath, "it began like this…"

_-Flashback-_

Tseng and Rude had received an unexpected surprise when they returned to their campsite; Reno and Elena had eaten all the food for the mission. This did not go over well, considering that the Turks were in the middle of the Northern Continent, with no towns in sight for quite a distance.

"How could you two eat all of the food in one sitting? Rufus supplied us with enough to last the whole week." Tseng looked like he had a terrible headache. Or was considering hara-kiri. Or both.

"Are you joking? That couldn't have possibly been enough food for a week," Reno exclaimed. For once, the redhead looked innocent and genuinely puzzled.

Elena just looked embarrassed, as she hated making mistakes during missions. She wanted to prove that she was just as competent as the other three. Why did stupid mistakes like this always have to happen to her?

Tseng sighed, picking up an empty food box and tapping it. "Did you two read the instructions on the back of these?"

"The food has _instructions_? I didn't know that, yo." Reno looked rather unbothered by the whole situation. Shrugging, he grabbed the box and read the back. After a few seconds, he handed the box to Elena with a nervous chuckle. The blonde took it and reluctantly turned her eyes on the instructions:

_To prepare, add water and wait for 15 minutes. Food should expand to about ten times its original volume._

"Um… Oops?"

* * *

In need of another food source, Reno had suggested that they catch a chocobo. Rude complained that chocobos were far too feathery to eat, and besides, how would they catch a chocobo in the first place? Well, that was where Elena came in…

"Why do _I_ have to be the chocobo bait?"

"Because, Laney, you're the only one here with blond hair."

Reno thought that the best way to lure a chocobo was to disguise Elena as one, have her stand out in the open until a chocobo came close enough, and then the other three Turks would jump out and ambush it. It was a foolproof plan, or so he thought…

In efforts to make Elena look like a chocobo, Reno had produced a bottle of his industrial-strength hair spray, Rude had pulled out a large yellow rain jacket to disguise her Turk uniform, and Tseng had (reluctantly) handed over his prized hairbrush. Elena herself had brought along a chocobo-lure materia, which was clenched in her hands. She kept her eyes tightly closed during her 'chocobo-makeover', not wanting to see what she would end up looking like…

"…You look like Strife." Rude said, a rare smile on his face. Indeed, the blonde Turk now bore a striking resemblance to the swordsman; her hair gelled up into gravity-defying spikes which looked pointy enough to poke an eye out. Rude's rain jacket was much too big for her; it fell down to her knees and the sleeves were completely covering her hands.

Tseng was spazzing out over the sorry state of his hairbrush, which was now _covered_ in sticky hairspray. The boss could be so girly sometimes…

In the meantime, Reno was grinning like an idiot. "You look like a perfect chocobo!" he announced, poking her hair.

"Gee, thanks," Elena said sarcastically.

Reno was about to reply, when a large yellow chocobo caught his attention. It was obviously attracted by Elena's materia, but seemed reluctant to come closer. The redhead nodded to Elena, before jumping behind a nearby bush. Tseng and Rude did the same.

Elena sighed, reluctantly flapping her arms. The bird slowly drew closer. It seemed convinced that Elena was one of its own kind. The chocobo warked happily, and then—

"_GET IT!"_

Reno, Rude, and Tseng jumped out of the bush, attempting to capture the chocobo. The bird jumped up and placed itself in front of Elena protectively. It lashed out with long, sharp talons and Reno swore as his sunglasses were kicked off his forehead, landing a few yards away with a 'crunch'. "Damn you! Those were expensive!" he cried, branishing his nightstick with a murderous expression on his face.

The chocobo seemed to realize that it was outnumbered. It flapped its wings, grabbed Elena by her collar with its beak, and threw her over its back. Turning away from the three dumbfounded humans, it sprinted away, intending to carry her to safety, which had to be as far away from these blue suited maniacs as possible.

And that was how Reno, Rude, and Tseng spent the rest of their mission chasing after Elena and her chocobo kidnapper.

_-End Flashback-_

"Wow," Yuffie said in an awed voice. "How long did it take until they found you again?"

"I lost track of time. But I've been afraid of chocobos ever since that happened," Elena answered. By now, the racers were mounting their chocobos, getting ready to race. One of the racers turned and waved at Yuffie and Elena; it was Reno. Cloud was also on a chocobo, waving at Denzel and Marlene, who were cheering.

"We made a bet. If I beat Chocobo-head in this race, then he has to cross-dress and tell Rufus that he loves him," Reno said, grinning.

"Well, what happens if _you_ lose?" Yuffie asked.

"If _I_ lose, then _I_ have to do that. But that's not going to happen, because I'm the best damn chocobo racer here!"

Inevitably, Reno lost the race.

Later, Rufus was working on paperwork when Reno popped into his office, wearing a bright pink dress and a red wig. The Turk spread his arms wide and smiled a forced smile.

"Rufus, I love you!"

There was a short, awkward silence. Then Rufus pulled out his shotgun, eye twitching slightly. The redhead paled and slowly edged out of the room, making no sudden movements.

Rufus made a note to tell Tseng to take the Turks out on a vacation. Clearly, their workload was beginning to affect their minds.

* * *


	7. Bleach Isn't Just For Clothes

**Thank you everyone who's reading this! You guys make me feel so happy and bubbly inside! **

**Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo. It's a great anime/manga! Read it, if you get the chance!  
**

* * *

Elena was having trouble concentrating on her work. First, she had drunk far too much coffee today so she felt rather wired and hyper. Secondly, there were distinct sword-clashing sounds coming from Reno's office.

Being the good little Turk that she was, Elena _tried_ to continue working. But, those curious sword sounds were too much for her caffeine-loaded mind, and it was inevitable that she would eventually snap from curiosity and foolishness and—

"DAMN YOU, RENO, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?" she finally screamed, slamming her pen on her desk with surprising ferocity. The pen snapped and saturated several papers with ink, making Elena swear under her breath.

_'No, no! I'm a Turk! Turks don't have stupid little outbursts like this. I just have…to…stay…relaxed…'_ Elena took several deep breaths, slowly calming down. What was she, five years old? If she was ever to outgrow her reputation as the rookie, she'd have to do something about her temper…

…But for now, she might as well find out what Reno was doing before the curiosity made her lose what little sanity she still possessed.

"Reno?" she asked, knocking on his door. There was no answer, so she pushed it open and allowed herself in.

The older Turk was seated at his desk, a laptop computer in front of him. Evidently, he was watching a movie or something on it. Elena couldn't help but admire his completely guilt-free procrastination. This 'admiration' vanished however, when Reno turned around and said:

"Listen, Laney, I know I'm hot and you totally want me, but that doesn't give you permission to barge into my office whenever you feel like it—"

_SLAP!_

Whoops, so much for 'no more stupid little outbursts'.

"…You really need to learn how to take a joke." Reno said, rubbing his cheek. Elena smiled apologetically.

"Sorry, I'm just not thinking today. What are you watching, Reno?" she asked, changing the subject.

"Bleach," he replied simply. Elena looked at him. "…But isn't bleach for clothes?" she asked absently. Reno sighed in exasperation.

"That's the _name_ of the show, Laney. Bleach," he said wryly, rolling his eyes.

"Oh… I'm sorry."

The two Turks continued to watch the show in silence. Currently, there were two characters fighting. Elena felt her eye twitch as she looked at the characters. She was feeling a serious déjà vu vibe here:

One of the fighters was a young man with spiky orange hair. He was wielding an impossibly large meat cleaver-like sword. The other man had red hair pulled back into a ponytail, expensive looking sunglasses on his forehead, and tattoos on his face. Elena grinned at Reno, who was too busy watching the screen to notice.

Several seconds passed. The orange-haired guy was beating the crap out of the redhead. Elena was now openly trying to hide her laughter.

"What are those characters' names?" She asked, covering her mouth so he couldn't see her smile. Reno shrugged. "The guy with red hair's name is Renji Abarai. The kid he's fighting is Ichigo Kurosaki."

"Renji looks a bit like you," the woman said. Reno only shrugged again. Elena, who was feeling quite bold thanks to the large amount of caffeine pumped into her system, decided to continue.

"He acts a bit like you too. Look, he's even getting his ass kicked by a kid with spiky hair and a stupid-large sword."

Reno glared at the blonde. "Are you trying to say something, Elena?" he said in his 'you'll regret it if you don't answer right' voice. Elena quickly arranged her laughing face into a somewhat serious expression.

"…Of course not. I'm just saying that the characters seem pretty familiar," she said sweetly. Reno rolled his eyes, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like, _'stupid rookie'_, under his breath.

"Are there any other characters with random similarities with people we know?" Elena asked, hoping that he wasn't too annoyed with her to answer. Luckily, Reno was pretty forgiving, as he frequently made fun of her, Rude, Tseng, and Rufus on a regular basis.

Insults seemed to be normal routine if you worked at Shinra.

"Hmmm…" Reno thought for a second, scratching his chin. "Well, there's an annoying talking cat plushie, a creepy mad scientist, a bald guy, a prissy guy with long black hair—"

"Okay, that's enough. This is starting to freak me out," Elena said quickly. She started to exit his office, but paused at the doorway.

"…Tell Tseng to hurry up with that vacation. I think I really need it."

* * *


	8. Unspoken Rules

**I'm so sorry, but for some reason I just haven't been in much of a writing mood. Here's a (late) April Fool's day chapter! Thanks so much for your support, guys!  
**

**Disclaimer: Ack, I keep forgetting to do the disclaimer... But yeah, I don't own FFVII  
**

* * *

There were several unspoken rules that were important to know if one was to work at Shinra:

First, one should never interact with Hojo unless it is absolutely necessary.

Second, don't mess up Tseng's hair. Also, don't mistake him for a girl, even if it's completely by accident.

Third, don't imitate Heidegger or Scarlet, no matter how tempting it may be.

And finally… Never, _ever_, steal Rude's sunglasses.

* * *

It was April Fool's day today, and it was on this day that Reno decided to ignore this ever important rule. Breaking in and stealing Rude's treasured sunglasses was astonishingly easy because the two Turks shared an apartment.

"Geez, Rude! How many sunglasses do you own?" the redhead muttered to himself, pulling out yet another pair of shades from a drawer. This particular pair had a small tag on it, which Reno read curiously.

_Happy birthday, Rude! Here's a gift for being the best customer at Seventh Heaven! P.S. Smack that stupid tomato-haired idiot who you always hang out with. The jerk broke five of the stools at the bar last night!_

_From, Tifa._

"Tomato-haired idiot! My hair does not look like a tomato!" Reno grumbled. He quickly checked his appearance in the bathroom mirror though, just to make sure.

"Heh heh… Now where should I hide all of these?" he mused. The Turk had stashed every pair of shades he could find into a duffel bag. Suddenly, his face lit up. He knew _exactly_ where to hide them…

* * *

The next day at work, Elena was enjoying a steaming cup of coffee when Rude burst into the room, fuming. It took the woman a second to recognize her teammate, because he wasn't wearing his trademark sunglasses.

"Rude! I didn't recognize you there…" Her cheerful attitude quickly melted when she took in the annoyed look on Rude's face. "What's wrong?"

"Where's Reno?" the bald Turk asked through gritted teeth. Elena shrugged, looking bewildered. Rude stomped back out, slamming Elena's door loudly.

"What was that all about?" Elena murmured, sipping her coffee. Her cell phone suddenly beeped, and the blonde absently flipped it open. It was a text message from Reno:

**Reno:** **_Laney, dont tell Rude wher i am plz. its an april fools joke_.**

Elena texted him back, wondering why Reno was asking this of her. She didn't even _know_ where he was.

**Elena:** **_Reno, I need to teach you how to spell correctly. Your grammar are bad. Mine am good. All your base are belong to us._**

**Reno: _Very funny, Laney._**

Reno flipped his phone closed, grinning. Elena was correcting his _grammar_, of all things. Tseng must be rubbing off on her, with his habit of correcting things until they were absolutely immaculate. He yawned, breathing in fresh, outside air that was so unlike the stuffy air at work.

Reno's 'brilliant hiding-place' turned out to be the flower girl's church. Unsurprisingly, Cloud was there also, watching Reno in annoyance as the Turk happily shoved a large duffel bag underneath one of the broken benches.

"What are _you_ doing here?" the swordsman asked, glaring.

Reno ignored the question. Cloud's hand tightened on his sword as Reno approached the flowers that Aeris had worked so hard on to grow, but relaxed as the redhead stopped right in front of them. He didn't walk through the flowers, as Cloud remembered he had done two years ago.

The serene atmosphere was effectively ruined when Reno turned back to Cloud, grinning cheekily. "Hey, I heard from Lockhart that the Ancient once got you to cross-dress in order to get into Corneo's mansion. Is it true?"

Cloud sputtered, a mortified flush rising in his cheeks. "So what if it's true! I had to rescue Tifa!" Attempting to move the conversation from this rather private topic, he quickly said, "But you didn't answer my question, Turk. What _are_ you doing here?"

"I'm hiding." Reno said simply. Cloud looked a little confused, so the Turk elaborated, "Today's April Fool's day and I pulled a couple pranks… I was going to wait here for a bit and then—"

Reno suddenly went several shades whiter, blue eyes focused on something behind Cloud. Blinking, the blond-haired man turned around and found himself nearly face-to-face with Reno's bald partner, who was glaring at the redhead.

Rude sighed, seeing that Cloud was here as well. Rufus liked to have Shinra and its workers to have the most powerful, serious, and fearless image as possible.

Therefore, Rude really didn't want to start a big argument with Reno, considering that the leader of AVALANCHE was right in the same room. Nor could he follow his natural instinct and kick the redhead so high that he'd burst into flames after coming back down.

Reno grinned nervously. "Hey Rude, it was just a joke, right? No hard feelings?"

Surprisingly, Rude nodded. Reno looked overjoyed, but then Rude added, "I'm letting Tseng deal with you. He's not very happy about the bleach you put in his shampoo."

Reno groaned. "Oh, _man_…"

* * *

**Next chapter: The Turks finally get their vacation! What could _possibly _go wrong?**


	9. Revenge Of The Sephiroth

**Author's note: Yeah yeah, I know that I said that this chapter would be the vacation... But I had this silly idea stuck in my head and it just would not go away no matter what! I dedicate this chapter to Obsessed Jedi Master, who seems to have the same unhealthy obsession with Star Wars and Final Fantasy as me.**

**I guess this may have spoilers for Revenge of the Sith... But who hasn't seen Star Wars yet anyway? Anyway, it combines Cloud and Kadaj's final battle in Advent Children with the Mustafar battle in Episode III.**

**Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square Enix, and Star Wars belongs to George Lucas.**

* * *

Cloud skillfully dodged another of Kadaj's attacks, the double-bladed sword slicing the air just inches away from his head. The silver-haired teen was struggling to keep up with the blond swordsman, most of his troubles coming from the fact that he could only use one of his arms.

He was carrying the box that Rufus Shinra had thrown off the building with his other arm. His _mother_…

He had to _save_ her. Cloud was trying to take her from him, to _hurt_ her. Kadaj couldn't let that happen. He _wouldn't_ let it happen…

Angrily, the remnant locked blades with his spiky-headed opponent, determined to overpower him and show him that it didn't matter that he was only a puppet, he was strong and young, and he wanted to use that strength to kill this traitor who was supposed to be on his side. This traitor who was supposed to be his brother.

"Kadaj! Sephiroth is evil! Don't you understand that?" Cloud was perfectly aware that Kadaj didn't understand that.

The teen was quick to reply. "From my point of view, the planet is evil!"

"Well, then you are lost!" Cloud said angrily.

Kadaj glared at Cloud, eyes cold. "This is the end for you, my brother…"

Cloud's oversized blade was slower than Kadaj's elegant double-bladed katana, but what it lacked in speed, it made up in weight and power. Cloud pushed forward with his sword, causing Kadaj to stumble back a step. Taking advantage of this momentary distraction, the blond swordsman executed a quick back flip which took him on top of a broken part of a building.

"It's over, Kadaj! I have the high ground!" Cloud shouted, looking down at his opponent. Kadaj's cat-like eyes shone with hatred and defiance.

"You underestimate Mother's power!" he snarled.

Cloud saw what the remnant was going to do, a second before he did it. "Don't try it!" the blond tried to warn, but it was too late—

With a feral cry, the teen leapt up, attempting to jump over his opponent.

He was too slow.

Cloud quickly countered the attack, striking back with such force that Kadaj's sword went flying, and so did its owner.

Screaming in rage, the silver-haired teen managed to swipe out his hand, just barely grabbing the ledge and preventing his fall.

Looking down, he saw his sword falling down into the wreckage. The sound of approaching footsteps made him look up again, and he attempted to claw back up with one hand. The footsteps stopped, and Kadaj met Cloud's eyes.

"You were the Chosen One! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them! Bring balance to the Force, not leave it in darkness! You were my brother, Kadaj! I loved you!" Cloud shouted.

"Chosen One? Sith? What are you talking about?" Kadaj murmured, completely confused. Then he brightened. "Hey, you really loved me?" he asked hopefully.

Cloud blinked, scratching his head sheepishly. "Um… No, not really."

Instantly, Kadaj fired up again. _"I HATE YOU!"_ he screamed. Furious, he threw the box cradled in his arm at Cloud. The swordsman slashed it in half out of reflex.

Leaping up, Kadaj grabbed the box, attempting to absorb its contents. And at that moment, Kadaj became Darth Sephiroth, who would once again attempt to destroy the planet with the Death Star/Meteor.

* * *

**I wanted to make this chapter longer, but I'd messed the plot up so much already, it was too late. Oh well.**

** No more silly detours! Next chapter will be the vacation for sure!  
**


	10. Vacation Time, part 1

**Thanks to everybody who reviewed last chapter! I'm glad you guys thought it was funny, even if the SW crossover was cheesy enough to make nachos.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII.**

* * *

"Okay guys, our choices are down to Wutai, Icicle Lodge, the Gold Saucer, or Costa del Sol," Tseng announced. "Which one should we go to for our vacation?"

Elena stepped forward tentatively. "Sir, I don't really want to go to Wutai. I'm still a little mortified from when that perverted Don Corneo tied me and Yuffie up to the side of the mountain."

Her boss nodded easily. "That's perfectly understandable, Elena. But what about—"

Reno broke in loudly. "We aren't going to the Gold Saucer either. Last time we went there, that fat guy in the chocobo suit kept coming on to me. It was really creepy." He looked to his bald companion for support. "Right, Rude?"

Rude said nothing.

The redhead grinned victoriously. "See, Rude agrees with me!" Tseng sighed.

"That's fine too, Reno. But what about Costa del Sol and Icicle Lodge?"

Reno pretended to think for a moment. "Well, the choice is either a warm, tropical resort on the beach… or a freezing, snow-covered town in the middle of nowhere." He looked at Tseng seriously. "Don't hurt yourself, boss-man. I know this is a really difficult choice."

Tseng had known Reno far too long to let such a feeble insult bother him. "Alright then," the leader of the Turks said. "Pack your things in the helicopter. We're going to Costa del Sol."

* * *

'Packing' somehow ended up taking the rest of the day. While Tseng and Rude finished fairly quickly, Reno and Elena took a horrendously long time to get ready. Between the redhead complaining that they hadn't packed enough beer and Elena tearfully saying goodbye to her cat, Fluffy McMuffin, it seemed like they'd never get going.

Finally, an exasperated Tseng threatened that he and Rude would shoot them if they didn't hurry up. Looking pale and nervous, Reno and Elena finished packing in ten minutes.

The Wutaian's troubles were far from over though. Keeping all four Turks stuck together in a confined space for extensive periods of time was a very foolish thing to do. Luckily, Rude noticed their leader's pissed off expression, and managed to get Reno to stop singing 'ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall' before someone got shot. The rest of the helicopter ride finished in silence.

The Turks were all very happy when Costa del Sol finally came into view, and Reno heaved a sigh of relief when their helicopter landed smoothly.

"Finally!" the redhead exclaimed loudly. "No offense, but being stuck with you guys is almost as bad as—"

"Reno, you dumbass! You landed the helicopter over the parking entrance!" Elena suddenly cried.

"So?"

"We're blocking the entrance! No one else can get through!" The blonde waved her hand at a crowd of vacationers who were grumbling about the parking lot they were monopolizing.

"Hey! That means that we get more room for ourselves! You should thank me, Laney," Reno said cheerfully. Elena sighed and shook her head apologetically at the vacationers. While most of them grumpily left, one man went right up to the helicopter and irritably rapped on Reno's window.

"Hey, can't you move that damn thing? None of us can get through!" the man shouted.

Reno rolled down his window and shouted right back: "Hey, if you don't shut the hell up, then I'll fry your ass!" The redhead stuck his arm out the window and tried to poke the man with his nightstick, revealing the fact that he was wearing the bright blue suit of a Turk. The man paled, and quickly turned and ran.

Rude shook his head and looked at Tseng and Elena. "…I wonder if we could control his behavior with medication."

* * *

News that the Turks were in Costa del Sol quickly spread, and as Reno, Rude, Tseng, and Elena made their way into the beach house, they met very little resistance. The man at the desk looked at them nervously.

"Um… It turns out that another group will be staying at the beach house at the same time as you guys," he explained reluctantly. "They made their reservation at the same time as you, and we had to accept because there was enough room for both groups."

"We're fine with that," Elena smiled. She looked threateningly at her teammates. "Aren't we?"

Reno shrugged, looking bored. "Sure. Just as long as it isn't—"

A spiky head of blond hair came into view.

"—AVALANCHE."

* * *

**Poor Turks. This is the first vacation Rufus has given them in months, and they have to share it with Cloud and the gang!**


	11. Vacation Time, part 2

**Hopefully, I will be able to update more often, now that school is out. I love summer!  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII.  
**

* * *

In the happy resort of Costa del Sol…

Barret was using a screaming Cait Sith for target practice, much to Denzel's amusement and Marlene's horror—

Yuffie was surrounded by angry vacationers, smiling innocently as they shook their freshly pick-pocketed wallets in her face—

Tseng and Elena were grumpily lugging their teammates' forgotten suitcases out of the helicopter—

Cid was loudly berating the bar for not having any 'goddamn tea!'—

Tifa was complaining that she couldn't see because Rude's bald head was reflecting the sun in her face—

Vincent and Nanaki were standing in the corner, trying to look as if they were above such childish bickering—

And Cloud was glaring at Reno, who was happily returning the favor. Silence reigned for all of five seconds, before it began:

"What the hell are _you_ doing here?!" Cloud and Reno yelled at the same time. Elena and Tifa, both who happened to be listening, smacked their respective teammate upside the head.

"Don't be rude. This is supposed to be a relaxing vacation, not a fight!" Elena hissed angrily.

"Shut up, Laney," Reno grumbled.

Less than three feet away, a similar conversation was occurring between Cloud and Tifa:

"Just give them a chance, Cloud," Tifa pleaded. "They're not as bad as they used to be…"

"No."

So much for that.

* * *

Marlene and Denzel had announced that they wanted to go swimming and everyone except Yuffie and Tifa had dashed out in their swimsuits, eager to test the water. The two who had stayed behind were still unloading, cursing their lazy companions.

"Yuffie, don't steal anything. Just unpack the suitcases," Tifa reprimanded, watching the hyperactive ninja rummage through Elena's bag. Yuffie scowled.

"C'mon, Tifa, you can trust me! I'm not stealing—I just like to know where everything is," she protested.

"Right... Now please put Elena's diary back. You're hiding it behind your back."

The ninja shrugged, flipping through the pages of the aforementioned diary. "I just want to see what she writes about… Hey! Look, Elena has a cat!"

"Yuffie…"

"She named it 'Fluffy McMuffin'… What kind of a name is that?"

"Yuffie!"

"Oh! Look at this entry: _Dear diary, Reno was a complete ass today. He filled all of my desk drawers with baking soda and vinegar and then—_"

"YUFFIE!"

Yuffie stuck her finger in her ear in mock pain. "Tifa, I'm right next to you. You don't need to scream. What's wrong?"

Tifa sighed. "I'm sorry Yuffie, but I've just discovered a slight problem…"

"Hmm?"

"Well… there are thirteen of us, not including Cait Sith since he's a robot…"

"Yeah?"

"And… we only have ten beds," Tifa finished. Yuffie was silent for a moment, and then a huge grin spread across her face.

"Tifa, I just got a great idea…" she snickered mischievously.

* * *

"You guys missed out. The water was great!" Elena said as everyone trooped back into the beach house, dripping water all over the carpet. The blonde giggled as Reno ran by, attempting to crack a coconut on Rude's head.

Tifa and Yuffie exchanged a secret smile.

"Well," Yuffie began cheerfully, "while you guys were busy goofing off, Tifa and I were making the sleeping arrangements."

"Sleeping arrangements?" Elena was only half listening. Almost everyone's attention was on Reno, who was now juggling several coconuts in the air, an idiotic grin threatening to take over his face.

"Yeah. Due to the number of people we have, three of us have to share a bed with someone else—"

_Splat. _Reno had dropped the coconuts.

"Denzel and Marlene will be staying together." Tifa said, stifling a smile at how the two children smiled and shrugged, not understanding why the adults were making such a big deal out of the situation.

"Tseng and Elena are staying together—" This time, Tifa was interrupted as Elena choked and sprayed her piña colada all over an unfortunate Vincent. Tseng simply looked mortified.

Unsurprisingly, Reno had burst out laughing. Wiping tears out of his eyes, he managed to compose himself enough to say, "Man, I can't wait to tell Rufus about this when we get back…"

"You'd better _not_!" Elena squeaked.

Yuffie grinned evilly. "We haven't left you out, Reno! You get to bunk with Cloud!"

"WHAT?!"

* * *

**I sure do make Reno suffer, huh?  
**


	12. Get The Name Right!

**This chapter's for AngelofMercy86, who seems to really like the name 'Fluffy McMuffin' for some reason.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII. **

* * *

"I'm glad you four are back from Costa del Sol," Rufus remarked airily. "Although, it _was_ amusing to get an email from Elena describing how Reno had to spend some 'quality time' with Cloud…"

"What?! She told me that she wouldn't send that!" Reno looked livid and the color of his face matched his crimson hair perfectly. "What about her and Tseng, huh? She probably didn't mention how _they_ shared a bed!"

Predictably, Tseng didn't take that too well and attempted to punch the redhead in the stomach. Reno retaliated by yanking Tseng's long hair, triggering what Rufus would probably describe as a 'girly catfight'.

Luckily, Rude interrupted the argument, thus preventing things from getting much worse. "…Elena's not here."

"Really?" Reno grinned. "No wonder it's so much quieter than normal—"

"Reno, please let go of my hair!"

"Sorry, boss-man…"

The three Turks, plus Rufus, managed to compose themselves enough to search the building and confirm that Elena was, indeed, nowhere to be seen. They even called her cell phone and apartment number, but to no avail.

Tseng was feeling rather guilty, as the young woman was his partner and he should have noticed her absence right away.

Rude was wondering how it was possible that Elena was late or missing and had still not called in. After all, she was almost as obsessive about rules and propriety as Tseng was.

Reno was mournfully wondering if he could have taken the day off too.

Rufus honestly did not give a damn.

Tseng was beginning to look a bit worried when there was still no sign of Elena. Reno gave him a reassuring grin. "Hey, don't worry! Laney will probably be here any minute! I'll bet she's off snogging a picture of you or something—"

—And it was at that moment that Elena burst into the room, looking extremely upset.

* * *

The young blonde looked like a mess; her hair was tangled and her wide brown eyes were puffy and bloodshot.

"Elena, are you alright?" Tseng asked, cautiously walking over to her. Elena shook her head and then burst into tears. Seizing the lapels of his suit, she buried her face into his shoulder, sobbing. Tseng awkwardly patted her back, looking distinctly uncomfortable.

Rufus purposely turned away, looking revolted.

Rude coughed and politely averted his eyes.

Reno whipped out his cell phone and took several pictures to use as blackmail.

"I… I…" the blonde sniffled.

"Elena, what's wrong?"

"I… I can't…"

"Elena, please!" Tseng grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her violently. "Tell me what's wrong!"

"I CAN'T FIND MY CAT!" she screamed.

Tseng blinked. "…What?"

"You guys have to help me find him!" Elena was practically foaming at the mouth and an alarmed Tseng backed several steps away from her. At this point, Reno was laughing hysterically and even Rude looked rather amused.

Rufus just looked bored.

Tseng was trying to bring the situation back under control. "Elena," he said, trying to sound soothing, "I'd love to help you find your cat, but—"

Elena sent him a withering glare, her bottom lip trembling. "Tseng, if you don't help me, then I'll tell everyone that…that you're a _cross-dresser_!" she screeched.

Silence reigned. And then—

"Elena, I'm not a cross-dresser," Tseng said blankly.

Angrily, Elena pulled a photo out of her pocket and shoved it in his face. "But I have a picture of you wearing a dress!" she protested in triumph. Tseng squinted at the photo.

"…Elena, that's not even me. That's a picture of Tifa," he stated.

Elena pulled out a pen and drew a dot on Tifa's forehead. "_Now_ it's you!"

Tseng sighed and rubbed his temples.

Reno peered at the photo. "In all honesty boss, it _does_ look a little bit like you. If you wore a dress and stuffed two cantaloupes onto your chest, I mean," the redhead said seriously. Rude grunted in agreement and Tseng glared at them both.

"Fine! We'll help you find your cat!" The Turk leader held his hands up in defeat. "Are you happy now?"

Elena gave him a genuine smile. "Thank you," she said gratefully.

Reno broke in, utterly destroying the moment. "What's your cat's name again, anyway? Stuffy St. Puffin, right?"

"It's Fluffy McMuffin!" Elena corrected him angrily.

"What kind of a name is _that_?"

"That's his _full name_. I usually just call him 'Fluffy'," Elena admitted. "But I call him by his full name when he acts naughty or misbehaves."

Rufus groaned. He honestly felt as though he'd rather be anywhere but here. In fact...

"Yo Rufus! Aren't you going to help us find Laney's cat?" Reno called after the president, who was heading towards the exit.

"No. And don't call me 'Rufus', Reno. Call me by my title."

"Okay then, Doofus!"

Rude briefly wondered if there was a bar nearby.

* * *

"Geez, Laney! How can you stand to live here? It's so…" Reno gestured vaguely with his hands.

"Clean?" Tseng supplied helpfully.

"Yeah! I'd go crazy if I lived here, yo. I can never find anything unless it's on the floor."

Elena shook her head. "Actually, it's a little messier than usual. I pretty much tore my whole apartment apart this morning when I was looking for my cat."

"Oh yeah! How are we supposed to find_… wait for it_… Muffy McPumpkin?" Reno asked.

"It's Fluffy McMuffin," Elena corrected him automatically. "And…Reno, get your hands out of my underwear drawer!"

"Hey, you never know," Reno said, quickly stepping away from said drawer. "Your cat could've been hiding in there!"

Elena sighed. How was she ever going to find her cat?

* * *

**Whoa, I wrote an entire chapter with relatively little making fun of Reno! Oh well, I'll have to make up for it later.**

**Will Elena ever find her cat? Will Reno ever get Fluffy McMuffin's name right? Find out next chapter!  
**

* * *


	13. Supernal, Infernal

**Many thanks to JeanneAndHerAlters for the soul consuming pastries.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII.**_  
_

* * *

_-Elena's journal-_

_12:00: No sign of Fluffy McMuffin. Nooo!_

_12:30: Caught Reno in my underwear drawer again. Must…kill…_

_1:30: Still no sign of Fluffy. I did find a leftover bag of gummy worms though, so Reno insists that the search hasn't been a complete waste._

_2:30: What in hell's name is Tseng doing in my underwear drawer now?!_

_2:31: Tseng insists that he dropped his wallet in said drawer, and was only retrieving it. Men…_

_3:30: Rude found my old hairbrush in the closet and asked if he could keep it. Why in the world would a bald man want a hairbrush anyway?!_

_4:30: The search has been a failure so far. We will resume searching for Fluffy after a break…_

_-Elena-  
_

* * *

Sighing and blinking back tears, Elena tucked her journal away and sat down heavily on her sofa. The search for her missing cat was not going as well as she had hoped.

"Hey, Laney!" She looked up to see Reno opening her refrigerator hopefully. "Do you have anything good in here? I'm starving, yo."

"Help yourself. I've kinda lost my appetite," she replied sadly. Reno glared at her in a brotherly way.

"Don't start crying now! You're too tough for that—you're a Turk, Laney! I'm sure we'll find Scruffy the Dumpling soon enough."

"Fluffy McMuffin," she corrected, for what seemed to be the thousandth time.

"Yeah, whatever… Hey!" Reno resurfaced from the fridge and set a large cheesecake and a six-pack of beer onto Elena's table. "Sweet! Want some cheesecake?"

"No thanks."

"Suit yourself," Reno said, shrugging, and then rummaged through Elena's pantry. "Whoa! Look at these!" He pulled out a big bag labeled: '_Soul-Consuming Pastries'_. Elena blanched.

"…Don't eat those, Reno. An insane person gave them to me and I'm not sure what they do."

With an air of great reluctance, Reno put the pastries back. The redhead returned to Elena's table and then, with much enthusiasm, began scarfing down the cheesecake and washing it down with beer, laughing at the blonde's disgusted expression.

Elena heard her door slam and turned to see Tseng and Rude re-entering the apartment. While Reno and Elena had continued to search for the missing cat inside, the other two had searched outside for a bit.

"Any luck?" Elena asked hopefully, though she could see from the look on their faces that they hadn't found anything.

"I'm afraid not. I'm sorry, Elena," Tseng said. He was wearing a rather wary expression on his face, as if he was expecting Elena to try to blackmail him with more fake photos.

Reno waved from the table. "Check it out, yo! Want some cheesecake?" he called, his mouth full of custardy cream. Rude and Tseng looked revolted.

"…Reno, according to the label, that cheesecake expired three weeks ago," Rude stated finally.

"So? It tastes alright."

"You'll regret it when you need to go to the hospital for food poisoning."

"Whatever."

"…" Rude looked exasperated. "…Why do I even bother wasting my saliva talking to you?"

"Beats me."

As Reno and Rude continued their exceedingly pointless conversation, Elena felt her tough façade crumbling. "I'm never going to find Fluffy," she said sadly.

Tseng looked at her solemnly. "We'll find him, Elena," he said.

"That's right! We've had way tougher missions than this!" Reno and Rude had returned, and the redhead had a rather foolish grin on his face.

"Muffy McPumpkin's probably not even lost. I'll bet that you just took him to the vet or kennel and forgot about it. Everyone knows that you're forgetful enough to hide your own Easter eggs, Laney."

"Shut up, Reno!"

"Look," Reno continued, "We hate seeing you so down, so we're going to take you to Seventh Heaven."

"But… What about my cat?"

"Don't worry! He won't go anywhere! And besides," the redhead added with a sneer, "you really look like you could use a break and some booze. You look terrible."

Elena glanced at her ruffled hair and messy uniform. She gasped loudly in mock horror:

"Oh my God, Reno! I look like you!"

It took Rude and Tseng nearly ten minutes to break up the following argument.

* * *

After convincing Elena that her missing cat wasn't likely to go anywhere, the Turks finally found themselves in Seventh Heaven. Tifa, Marlene, and Denzel were all very happy to see the four Turks, whom they saw as friends.

Cloud, for some reason, seemed less than delighted to see Shinra's finest. Judging by the look on Reno's face, the redheaded Turk evidently felt the same way about the swordsman.

"What the hell are you doing here?" they both yelled at the same time. Tifa groaned.

"Not again!" she scolded, placing herself between the two men. "You two are always arguing like children! Cloud, I want you to act civil—they're our _guests_! Reno, I'm not your boss, so I can't order you around, but…"

Tifa glanced at Tseng, who then shrugged and said, "Tifa, I give you full authority over Reno."

"What?! Tseng, you evil son of a—"

"SHUT UP!" Tifa screamed in uncharacteristic anger. She blushed as everyone stared at her in alarm.

"Sorry about that," she said, smiling sheepishly. "Alright then. Cloud and Reno, I want you two to sit in the corner over there, and you're not allowed to join the rest of us until you both can behave around each other."

Reno started to protest, but Cloud elbowed him in the ribs and gave him a dark look that clearly said, '_don't get her mad'_. After glancing nervously at Tifa, Reno finally sulked into the corner and sat down heavily, looking pathetically defeated. Cloud joined him reluctantly.

Tifa shook her head and gestured for the other three Turks, as well as the children, to sit down. "So," she prompted, "are you guys just here for a drink, or is there something else that's going on that you want to talk about?" Her piercing brown eyes were rather unsettling, even to the Turks, who were notorious for staring death in the face on a regular basis.

Rude and Tseng looked slightly uncomfortable, but Elena had a determinedly passive expression on her face. Tifa looked at her curiously, and the blonde felt her tough façade breaking again.

"I…I lost…my—"

"Hurry it up, Laney!" Reno called loudly from his corner. Elena instantly burst into tears. Crying, she crossed the room and wrenched the door open, disappearing from the bar.

Reno looked concerned. "I didn't mean to make her cry," he sighed, before dashing out of the room as well. "I'll bring her back, boss-man!"

The redhead gave Tseng a silly looking salute, and ran after the crying Elena. Denzel broke the following silence:

"What's wrong with Elena? What did she lose?" the boy asked innocently. Rude sighed, downing his third beer.

"…Her cat. She lost her cat," he said finally.

"She's been very upset," Tseng added unnecessarily. "Her cat can't be in her apartment because we searched the whole thing. It must have escaped outside."

Marlene, who had been silent for almost the entire time, jumped up and hurriedly whispered something into Tifa's ear. Tifa's somber expression instantly brightened.

"That's a great idea! Marlene, tell everyone your idea!"

The little girl took a deep breath: "We found a cat earlier, and when we brought her inside, she had a litter of kittens!" she said excitedly. "Do you think that Elena would want a kitten?"

Rude and Tseng looked unsure. "Well," Tseng said slowly, "I don't want Elena to feel as though she's _replacing_ her old cat—"

"But she's not replacing her old cat!" Tifa protested, smiling. "Think of it like she's providing a home for an animal that needs a place to live! I'm sure that it would make her feel much better."

"…I suppose it may be a good idea—"

"—YO! We're back!"

* * *

Everyone turned to see a beaming Reno leading Elena back into the bar. A few tears were still leaking from her eyes, but she dabbed them away and managed a weak smile before collapsing onto her seat. Reno sat down as well, grinning cheerfully at a surprised Cloud.

"So," the blond swordsman said, clearly suspicious of the redhead's good mood, "What exactly are you so happy about?"

"Laney forgave me, that's what I'm happy about! _Oww_… Although she wouldn't accept my apology before punching me in the face," Reno replied, gingerly brushing his hair from his forehead. The other occupants of the bar winced; there was the beginning of a nasty black eye marring the Turk's face.

Elena looked guilty. "I'm sorry! I really didn't mean to hit you so hard!" she squeaked. Reno shrugged, using a spoon to peer at his bruised reflection.

"Nah, I'm alright. Let's just say that you've paid me back for how I put all that itching powder in your underwear drawer when we were at your apartment. We're even now."

"Okay… Wait, wait! _What_ did you say?" she howled. "You put _itching powder_ in my—"

"SHUT UP!" Tifa shrieked, for the second time that evening. The effect was instantaneous: everyone quieted at once, staring meekly at the martial artist, who smiled in a strangled, forced sort of way.

"Er… Marlene and Denzel, why don't you two bring the... the _you-know-what_ back here so that we can show Elena," she said. The two children eagerly dashed away, leaving a curious Elena to gawk at Tifa.

"Tifa, what's the _'_you-know-what'?" the blonde asked questioningly. Tifa smiled secretively.

"It's a surprise! You're going to love it, Elena!"

"A… a surprise? For me?" Elena looked confused. "…But why?"

Tifa opened her mouth to reply, but she was interrupted as the two children rushed back into the bar, supporting a large wicker basket between them. Inside, a plump white cat was curled up on a thick layer of blankets, and there were five wriggling little balls of fluff mewing at her belly. Elena froze, staring at the basket with a look of incredulity and shock on her face.

"Fluffy!" she shrieked, "You found him!" Then, her shocked expression seemed to double: "I… Fluffy McMuffin's a_ she_?"

The white cat licked her hand and meowed contently, as if to say, '_You didn't know that? You silly human, you.'_

Reno looked at Elena with an expression of mock disgust on his face. "You didn't even know if your cat was a he or a she?" he asked incredulously. "In terms of cluelessness, I think you've just transcended into godhood, Laney."

Elena was too shocked to even react to the insult. Marlene tugged on her sleeve, and the young woman finally broke out of her trance.

"Elena, are you going to keep the kittens?" the little girl asked, gazing adoringly at the tiny animals. Elena frowned.

"I don't have enough room in my apartment for six cats… Would any of you guys like to adopt one?" she asked, looking hopefully around the room.

Cloud looked reluctant, but Marlene, Denzel, and even Tifa had pathetically pleading looks on their faces as they stared at the spiky haired man. The blond finally nodded.

"Fine," he said in a defeated, yet amused, voice. Reno laughed.

"_Aww_, Chocobo-head likes kittens! You're not going soft, are you, Strife?" he jeered. Cloud glared at him, and then stalked over to the kitten basket.

"When they're old enough, we'll take this one," Cloud announced, pointing at a white kitten with a large black spot over its eye. "I think we should name it 'Reno'."

Reno blinked, not understanding. Then, he remembered the black eye Elena had given him, and he immediately rushed to the basket as well.

"Yeah? Well, Rude and I will take _that_ one." He indicated a golden kitten with wild hair that stuck out in all directions. "And we'll name it 'Strife'."

"Are you implying something?"

"What do you think, Chocobo-head?"

As the two began bickering once again, Tifa, surprisingly, burst into a fit of giggles.

"Those two are so stubborn!" she managed to say through her laughter. Elena began snickering as well.

"I agree," she smiled, shaking her head. A thoughtful expression replaced the look of mirth on her face. "I should be able to find homes for the other kittens, but do you know anyone in particular who may want to adopt one, Tifa?"

Tifa thought for a long moment and then nodded, her eyes twinkling happily. "Oh, I know exactly who could use a kitten, Elena!"

* * *

Several weeks later, Vincent Valentine found himself staring down at a large cardboard box (with air holes) outside his door. After glancing around warily, he tore off the note that had been taped to the meowing box and read it rapidly:

_Vincent,_

_I hope that this brings some cheer and joy into your life! Please come and see us in Seventh Heaven sometime. Marlene especially misses you!_

_P.S. We would have sent this little guy to you sooner, but we had to wait until the litter was old enough to separate from their mother. Sorry!_

_Lots of love,_

_Tifa_

Vincent stared at the note for a full ten seconds after he had finished reading it. Finally, resigning to his fate, he tentatively opened the box and—

—and was promptly pounced on by an energetic kitten with coal black fur and blue eyes. The kitten jumped onto his shoulder and sank its claws into the red cloth wrapped around his forehead, tugging it off and tearing it to shreds.

Vincent could only watch as the little animal continued to demolish his beloved headwear. He sighed and glared at the kitten with a look of carefully concealed amusement.

This tiny mortal creature couldn't possibly be worse than sharing your mind with four insane demons... right?

* * *

**_Wrong_, Vincent. That kitten is more evil than you could possibly imagine!**

**Does anyone have any more requests? I'm rather short on ideas right now..**


	14. Thanksgiving Turkeys, part 1

**Aargh! I haven't updated in so long! I'll try to get the second Thanksgiving chapter up around actual Thanksgiving time.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII.**

* * *

"Tseng, it's almost Thanksgiving," Reno complained loudly. "Why can't I have a break from paperwork?"

"Reno, if you hadn't slacked off all week, then you probably wouldn't_ have_ paperwork," the black haired Turk replied promptly, getting up to leave. "You're the only one to blame. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to deliver my report to the president—"

"Right. More like you're going off to snog Laney in the supply closet!" Reno called after him. Unfortunately, Elena took the time to enter the room at that moment.

"Reno!" the blonde squealed angrily. "I can't believe you just said that!"

Reno grinned at her slyly. "You didn't deny it, though. Is that what you two do during all those 'training sessions' you have?" he sneered. "I think—OW!"

Red with rage, Elena raised her fist threateningly. Reno rubbed his jaw gingerly, hoping that the young woman hadn't knocked out any of his teeth.

"…I hate you, Laney," the redhead stated halfheartedly.

"The feeling is mutual," Elena replied acidly. Reno thought for a moment, and then grinned.

"What? You mean you hate yourself too?" he teased.

Elena sputtered. "No! I—"

"It's not healthy to hate yourself, Laney. Hey, Rude! Laney says that she hates herself!"

Reno waved over to his partner. The bald Turk looked up from his laptop.

"…Sorry to hear that," he said in a bemused voice. Elena stomped her foot in frustration.

"I do not hate myself!" she said loudly. After heaving a great angry sigh, the blonde stalked out of the room.

Rude shook his head. "…Reno, why _haven't_ you done your paperwork all week?" he asked.

"It's all part of my brilliant plan to see how much work I can ignore before Tseng cracks," Reno said brightly. "First, I accumulate as much paperwork as possible, and then I do absolutely nothing about it."

"Great plan," Rude said sarcastically, turning his attention back to his laptop.

"Oh yeah? Just you wait!"

Two minutes later, Tseng poked his head back into the office and glared at the redhead, who was folding his papers into airplanes. "Reno, if you don't start that paperwork right now, I'll go insane!" he snapped irritably. Reno plastered a look of puzzlement on his face.

"But boss, how will we be able to tell?" he asked in a concerned voice.

Tseng shot him a withering glare, and Reno quickly pulled out his pen and began his neglected paperwork.

'_Note to self: don't question Tseng's sanity_,' he thought to himself.

* * *

When Reno stopped complaining and actually began his paperwork, he got it done in a surprisingly short amount of time. Upon hastily scribbling his signature on the last paper, he slammed his pen down in victory.

"Yes!" he cheered. "I'm done!"

After glancing around the room, however, he realized that his teammates had long left.

Pulling out his cell phone, he chirped, "Yo, Rude. I finished the papers. Where are you guys?"

Rude sounded surprised. "That didn't take very long," he replied. "We're getting ready to leave for Wutai. That Kisaragi girl thought it would be a good idea for us to spend Thanksgiving there. A good way to make peace after the war, I guess."

"Cool. I'll meet you guys at the hangar. Am I flying the chopper again?" Reno asked.

There was a short silence on Rude's end. "The last time you piloted, you ended up totaling the helicopter," Rude said finally. "We're taking a private plane, and Rufus has requested that you ride in the baggage compartment."

Luckily for Reno, Rufus didn't hold fast to that request.

"You can ride in the plane," the president said snarkily, watching the ground shrink below them. "But, try not to _touch_ anything. Understand?"

"It's not like the plane will burst into flames if I touch it," Reno said indignantly. Jokingly, he placed both hands on the interior of the plane.

Immediately, warning alarms went off.

Elena looked appropriately horrified. "Reno, what did you _do_?" she shrieked.

"Nothing!"

Rude, who was piloting, poked his head around his seat. "Change of cabin pressure," he grunted shortly. As if to confirm his statement, an overhead compartment burst open, revealing a tangle of oxygen masks.

Elena looked to be on the verge of hyperventilation.

"_We are experiencing a change of cabin pressure_," a prerecorded female voice sounded from a series of speakers. "_Please fasten the oxygen mask over your nose and mouth. Place your own mask on before assisting others. Adjust by pulling on the elastic cords_—"

"Tseng! I don't want to die!"

"Calm down, Elena!"

"_In the case of an emergency, lights will light up the aisle. Please locate the emergency exit nearest to you. Keep in mind that it may be behind you_—"

"…"

"Shut up, Rude! I'm telling you, this isn't my fault! Why do you guys always blame me?"

"_Your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device during water landings_—"

"SHUT UP!" Rufus suddenly exploded. The entire scene seemed to freeze:

Tseng was attempting to calm a squirming and hysterical Elena.

Reno was in the process of untangling the elastic cords of his oxygen mask, which had knotted in his goggles and hair.

Rude was trying, unsuccessfully, to adjust the pressure inside the plane.

Rufus felt his eye twitch. He was beginning to greatly regret this trip. The prerecorded female voice was still talking:

"_Thank you for choosing Shinra Airlines_," it chirped. "_Have a safe and enjoyable flight_!"

* * *

The atmosphere was very tense. After the president's unexpected outburst, the Turks had been wary and silent, reluctant to do anything to cause Rufus to snap again. Fortunately, Rude had been able to fix the cabin pressure, and the chaotic situation had quickly settled.

After about an hour of painful silence, Reno decided to start a conversation.

"Hey, Tseng," he drawled. "You seem to be in a bad mood, yo. Are you still sore about the shampoo incident?"

Tseng shot him an angry look. "I told you not to mention that," he said testily.

Elena perked up, eager as ever for some gossip. "Shampoo incident?" she asked curiously, glancing at her partner for clarification.

The Wutaian did a remarkable imitation of Rude and remained silent. Elena, hating to be left out, plastered a pathetically pouty look on her face, lower lip trembling.

Tseng's stiff expression seemed to soften slightly.

"_Fine_," he said reluctantly. "Remember the time that Reno put bleach in my shampoo so I was blond for three days?"

Elena looked astonished. "That was _you_?" she squeaked. "I thought it was Scarlet wearing one of our uniforms!"

Tseng looked understandably insulted. Glancing out the window, he made a largely transparent attempt to shift the conversation. "We should be approaching Wutai soon."

Elena yawned in boredom. "What about you, Reno?" she asked. "Do you have any interesting confessions to break the monotony?"

Reno thought for a moment, and then brightened considerably. "Well," he said, "Strife is pregnant!"

Rufus, who was gulping down large amounts of water and aspirin, started choking.

"…I think I must have misheard you," the young president coughed, dabbing at the water splattered on his suit. "I thought I heard you say that Cloud Strife is pregnant."

Reno nearly fell out of his seat, laughing.

"_That's_ what you thought I meant?" he managed to gasp out. "I was talking about the cat that Rude and I got from Laney. Her name is 'Strife'."

Rufus stared. "Oh."

Rude's deep voice suddenly sounded from the plane's controls. "We're here," he stated simply, adjusting his sunglasses.

Rufus blinked in surprise. "I didn't even notice the landing," he remarked. "Good job, Rude. I—" He paused as he opened the door and made to step off the plane.

"…Why are we parked in the water _next to _Wutai?" Rufus asked finally. He stared at the foreign island, which they'd need to swim to in order to reach.

Rude shrugged. "I couldn't find anywhere to land."

Rufus felt his eye twitch again. A seat cushion suddenly hurtled his way, thrown by Reno. It collided with the president's face with a loud slapping sound.

"Check it out!" the redhead called. "We can use these as flotation devices!"


	15. Thanksgiving Turkeys, part 2

**Hmm... To quote myself from last week, "I'll try to get the second Thanksgiving chapter up around actual Thanksgiving time."**

**Hah. I lied. I'm very sorry that this chapter is so late! (hangs head in shame)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII.**

* * *

"Well, that was fun," Rufus snapped sarcastically, clambering out of the water and wringing out his suit. "Godo will probably have a heart attack laughing at us. And then that ninja girl will annihilate us for murdering her father."

"C'mon, it's not _that_ bad!" Reno protested as he cheerfully pulled several slimy pieces of seaweed from his hair. "You need to lighten up, Doofus."

The president was not impressed. "Rude, remind me again why we couldn't have just landed on shore," he sighed.

Rude, who was drying his sunglasses, looked rather unaffected by the whole situation. "…There was nowhere to land."

Elena glanced at their plane, which was still floating sadly in the water. "Maybe we should move the plane onto the shore so it doesn't drift away."

Tseng, who had been dumping water out of his shoes, eagerly jumped up. "I'll do it!" he offered quickly. "You four can go on ahead—I'll meet up with you later…"

He trailed off as Rufus gave him an exasperated glare.

"…In other words, you'll take the plane and go back to Midgar so you don't need to face everyone in Wutai," Rufus finished bluntly. Tseng didn't reply, but the depressed look on his face spoke for itself.

There was a very pregnant pause.

Finally, Rude stepped forward. "…I'll get the plane," he said, rolling his eyes from behind his shades. As he started towards the water again, Reno patted his shoulder, grinning.

"Watch out for sharks."

* * *

"No."

"Boss, you're being an ass. Hell, you're being even more of an ass than usual! Just step in the town, yo—everyone's staring at us!"

"_No_."

Godo and Yuffie's mansion had never looked so appealing to the wet, tired, and hungry Turks, as well as Rufus. However, their black haired leader was determinedly refusing to walk through the gates.

"I'm a traitor," Tseng groaned, looking quite melodramatic. "If I even set one foot inside this town, then Leviathan's wrath will strike me and I'll burst into flames."

"Gee, that's the spirit," Reno said sarcastically. "If I'd known, then I would have brought a fire extinguisher and a camera."

Elena attempted to convince her partner to enter as well, but had similar luck. This continued for several increasingly frustrating minutes, before Rude rejoined the group. "…The plane's on shore," he said. "What's going on here?"

"Tseng's being an ass," Reno supplied promptly. "That's old news though, I suppose."

Ignoring Tseng's indignant retort of "RENO!" Rude glanced towards a bored looking Rufus. "Sir?"

Rufus turned towards Tseng. "Tseng, I _order_ you to step inside the damn town."

"But—"

"Now! Otherwise, I'm firing you!"

There was a collected gasp from all four of the Turks. Eye twitching, Tseng took a deep breath and reluctantly stepped forward. Elena took his hand and squeezed it encouragingly.

"See? That wasn't too bad, was it?" she asked, affection shining in her eyes. Her partner sighed.

"Maybe not for you," he murmured.

Reno mentally slapped his forehead as the group pushed forward to the Kisaragi home. '_We have a neurotic boss_,' he thought to himself.

* * *

"Hiya, Turkeys!" Yuffie greeted cheerfully. "Are you ready for Thanksgiving? We—" She broke off abruptly as she took in the wet and grumpy group before her.

"Wow, what _happened_ to you guys?" the ninja asked curiously. "Did you crash in the ocean or something?"

Rufus sent Rude a nasty look before stiffly replying, "Yeah, something like that."

Yuffie wrinkled her nose. "You all smell like seaweed. We won't be eating for a few hours yet. Why don't you guys wash up?"

This suggestion was met with great enthusiasm, and there suddenly was a mad stampede to the showers. Reno followed more slowly, limping slightly.

The ninja glanced at his leg. "Hey Reno, do you know that there's a poisonous jellyfish stuck to your pant leg?" she questioned. The redhead looked mildly surprised.

"Oh," he said intelligently.

Yuffie sighed and tossed him an antidote. "You Turkeys are hopeless," she said, smiling.

* * *

"I look like a girl," Rufus grumbled, taking in his reflection in the large mirror in front of him.

As their clothes were stiff and dirty, thanks to the salty ocean water, Yuffie had cheerfully supplied several kimonos for the president and Turks to wear. Rufus privately thought that the ninja had purposely chosen the clothing to be as feminine as possible—the shining blue silk of his outfit was decorated with sickeningly adorable patterns of flowers and chirping birds.

Rufus Shinra did _not_ wear flowers or birds.

"I look like a girl," he dully repeated, vaguely wishing that he could kick something. Reno grinned from across the room, slathering hairspray onto his head.

"Are you sure, Rufus?" he sniggered. "I think it brings out the color of your eyes."

To nobody's surprise, Reno had chosen a shockingly cinnabar kimono, with golden phoenixes embroidered on it in gold thread. Along with his hair, the effect was so red that Rufus felt sure that his eyes would start bleeding if he stared for too long.

"Shut up," Rufus snapped. "And it's not 'Rufus', remember?"

Reno nodded and made to say something, but Rufus quickly added, "It's not 'Doofus' either!"

Reno shut his mouth, looking disappointed.

Rude, with his ever present sunglasses and lack of hair, looked rather out of place in his indigo colored outfit, which seemed to be quite a few inches too short for him. The bald Turk was watching the exchange with a slightly amused look on his face.

"You're not one to talk, Reno," he said, eyebrows raised. "When I look at you right now, the first name that comes to mind is 'Scarlet'."

Reno scratched his chin, looking thoughtful. "Scarlet, huh?" he murmured. Pasting an arrogant grin on his face, he threw his head back and laughed loudly.

"Kya ha ha ha!"

"Shut up!" the blonde woman across the room cried, looking revolted. Elena and Tseng wore matching black kimonos, the serpent-like Leviathan adorning the outfits in blue. Elena, after changing in a separate room, had shyly asked her partner if she could comb his hair, which he had shrugged and nodded to.

"Sir," she said contently, "I think that my greatest goal in life is to someday give you a haircut."

Tseng looked slightly disturbed, and perhaps a bit offended. "I like my hair," he said defensively.

"So do I! But it's getting so long, and it looks like it might be getting in your way! I—"

"What Laney means," Reno interrupted easily, "is that she thinks you look way too girly to be her boyfriend."

"Reno!" Elena snarled.

Completely disregarding any idea of privacy, Yuffie suddenly burst into the room, a fluffy orange cat cradled in her arms.

"We're going to eat pretty soon," she chirped happily. "Oh—Elena, I don't think I ever thanked you for the kitten! Look how big he's gotten—say hello, Ifrit!"

Ifrit the cat meowed, lazily snuggling into the ninja's arms. Reno, who had been locked in an angry staring contest with Elena, jumped up, eager to join the conversation. "Hey, Yuffie, guess what?" he said importantly.

"What?"

"Strife is pregnant!"

For the second time that day, this simple statement received a rather chaotic reaction.

"WHAT?!" Yuffie shrieked. "Cloud is a _girl_? Oh no… Poor Tifa!"

Reno attempted to smother his laughter and failed miserably. "Strife is my cat," he explained, grinning widely. "Scared you, didn't I?"

Yuffie shivered. "Thanks. I'm going to go wash out my ears. I'll probably have nightmares now, Reno," she said in a hollow voice.

There was another awkward pause. Yuffie forced a smile onto her face, though it was clear that she was still stunned by Reno's joke. "So… Who wants some turkey?" she blurted wildly.

Elena made a face. "You know, I'm not entirely comfortable eating something with the word 'Turk' in it," the blonde admitted. Reno rolled his eyes.

"It's a bird, Laney. It's not like it's some freakish form of auto-cannibalism."

"Reno, that's disgusting!"

While Reno and Elena sank into a session of friendly bickering, the other inhabitants of the room merely shook their heads and turned to Yuffie. Rufus groaned and seemed to deflate into his kimono. "Can we eat now? I want to get back to Midgar and make sure that Reeve hasn't somehow destroyed headquarters in our absence."

Rude nodded in agreement. "…He'd probably create an army of Cait Siths and then try to achieve world domination," he said flatly.

"And then everyone would be forced to spend their time playing stupid dice games," Tseng added wryly.

Reno made an exasperated noise in his throat. "Yeah, I don't know why Sephiroth tried to become a god with all those clones and that stupid reunion—he should have just created a mass army of fortune-telling cat robots," he said seriously. His stomach growled loudly and he added, "Let's go eat. I think we've just killed the conversation."

* * *

The atmosphere at the dining table was, once again, very tense. As Reno would have likely put it, Tseng was being an ass. Again.

Specifically, he and Lord Godo were locked in a staring contest that put Reno and Elena's to shame. Tseng looked away first, sighing and rubbing his temple. Finally, he asked, "…Am I forgiven yet, or am I a traitor for life?"

Godo looked as though he was about to confirm the latter, but then Yuffie elbowed him painfully in the ribs. The ninja girl sent her a father a pleading look, and the Wutaian lord's eyes seemed to lose most of their iciness.

" …Yuffie's informed me how your company wishes to fix the damage it has done to the planet, and how the Turks helped a great deal when Sephiroth's three remnants were taking children," he said after clearing his throat loudly. "Taking everything into consideration… I suppose you're forgiven."

Tseng looked visibly surprised. "Thank you," he murmured, a wide smile spreading across his face.

Looking relieved, Yuffie stretched her arms and glanced at the many plates of food occupying the table. "As hungry as some of us are," she began, speaking mostly to Reno, "we should say what we're thankful for before eating."

Elena smiled. "I'm thankful that I have such great friends who I can spend these times with," she said, eyes sparkling. There was a wide murmur of agreement from everyone except for Rufus, who had remained silent.

Reno sent the president a funny look. "Aren't you going to say something, Doofus?"

Rufus seemed to have a brief internal struggle with himself for a moment, and then sighed in defeat. "I'm glad to be here with my friends as well," he admitted finally. Reno whooped in delight.

"Rufus actually considers us his friends!" he cried, pretending to wipe tears out of his eyes. "We've been promoted, guys!"

There was a great deal of cheerful laughter at this, but it was all suddenly interrupted by a loud growling noise. The redhead blushed and rubbed his stomach.

"Heh… I'm pretty hungry, I guess," he said weakly. "Let's eat!"


	16. Crosswords And Cat Names

**Ahh, spring break. I'm sorry that this update took so long.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII, Jell-O, or anything else that's copyrighted in this story.**

* * *

Yawning, Elena absently sipped her drink and glanced over Rude's shoulder. Her bald companion was currently poring over a complicated looking crossword puzzle.

"Rude, your answer for 32-across is wrong," the blonde said suddenly. Rude frowned, eyebrows furrowing from behind his sunglasses.

"32-across… '_An irresponsible person_…'" He glanced at his answer. The word 'alcoholic' was scrawled in the boxes. A frown spread across his normally passive face.

"…I'm pretty sure that it's correct, Elena. It fits and changing it would affect the overlapping answers."

"Are you positive?" the young woman pressed. "You spelled it wrong. It should be 'R-E-N-O.'"

Tifa, wiping down a glass from behind her counter, erupted in a small fit of giggles.

"Hey!"

All eyes turned to the corner of the bar, where Reno was pouting inside a badly drawn chalk circle scrawled on the floor.

"Shut it, blondie!" the redhead snapped testily.

Elena retaliated instantly: "Flame-hair!"

"Ditz!"

"Drunk!"

"Ditz!"

"I…" Elena paused. "Reno, you called me a ditz twice."

"I know, but it's such a defining characteristic that I felt the need to say it twice."

Rude rolled his eyes as Elena squeaked angrily at the smirking redhead. Looking up from his crossword, he asked, "11-down… What is a portmanteau for '_extremely emo_?'"

"It's _'extremo_,'" Tifa replied promptly. Reno waved at her from his chalk circle.

"How do you spell that, babe?" he asked.

"Er… 'E-X-T-R-E-M-O.' It's spelled exactly like how it sounds," the brunette answered simply. Reno shook his head.

"You spelled 'Cloud' wrong."

"…Hey!"

Rufus sighed, tapping his fingers against the counter. "Don't even listen to that idiot," he advised an agitated Cloud.

"I'm not an idiot!" Reno scrambled up and made to angrily rush over to Rufus, but Tseng's voice stopped him:

"Don't move, Reno. Remember your mission!" the Turk leader said seriously. "You must not leave the circle!"

Rufus nodded in agreement. "Make the company proud, Reno!"

Grumbling, Reno sat back down. Sending the blond president an evil look, he said, "I've thought of a new nickname for you, Doofus. It's 'President-Major-Schizo,' or 'PMS' for short."

Rufus sighed. "Thank you, Reno."

* * *

The night was going well. Tifa had proposed that a small get-together at the bar would be a fun idea, and Denzel and Marlene had nearly burst with happiness when they learned that the Turks would be visiting. Rufus and Reeve had come as well, and the latter was currently cooing over Seventh Heaven's black and white cat, Reno.

"Why did you name the cat 'Reno?'" the executive asked Cloud, who shrugged.

"He has a black spot over his eye. When Elena punched Reno in the face, he had a black eye too, and I thought that the likeness was overwhelming," the swordsman said smugly.

Reno, who was now allowed to leave his circle since Rufus had deemed his behavior 'acceptable,' pulled out his cell phone and hurriedly shoved the screen in front of Reeve's face.

"Rude and I named our cat 'Strife,' because she has Chocobo-head's hair," he said triumphantly.

While the swordsman and the redhead lapsed into another pointless argument, Elena's expression grew thoughtful and she turned to Tifa.

"Hey, didn't you give one of Fluffy McMuffin's kittens to Vincent Valentine?" she asked. Tifa nodded and heaved a small sigh.

"Yes. I actually asked Vincent if he wanted to come today, but he never called me back. It's a little frustrating," she admitted sadly.

Elena smiled sympathetically. "It can't be more frustrating than the time that Reno brought spiked Jell-O to the company party," she said reassuringly.

Tifa smiled at that, and was about to reply when her eyes darted to the door, which had just slammed open. A rather melodramatic figure entered the bar, trailing a tattered red cloak behind him. Although the crimson eyes, clawed hand, and armored shoes were certainly attention-grabbing, everyone's gaze was drawn to his shoulder.

There was a black cat with intelligent blue eyes sitting on it.

* * *

There was an awkward silence, which was broken by Reeve's delight at seeing yet another cat in the bar.

"Oh, he's so _cute_!" the executive exclaimed.

There was another pause, in which every pair of eyes shifted between Vincent and Reeve, who flushed in embarrassment.

"I… I was talking about the cat, not Vincent," he said defensively. As if sensing his mistake, he quickly added, "N-not that Vincent's not attractive! But, I… well, I'm not really into guys, so…"

The bar was so quiet that Tifa suddenly felt the need to create a distraction.

"Who wants cake?" she said loudly, digging into the freezer and pulling out a massive ice-cream cake. There was a sudden stampede in which Reno attempted to slice the cake with Cloud's sword, much to the blond's horror.

Tifa sighed in relief and crossed the room, stopping before the gunman. She hesitated but then smiled and hugged him warmly. He stiffened but did not pull away, and Tifa felt her grin widen.

"I'm glad you could make it," she said, releasing him from her embrace and stepping back. He seemed to relax a bit and nodded, looking slightly less depressed than before. He picked up his cat from his shoulder and awkwardly placed it in Tifa's arms.

"This is Yuffie," he said after a small pause.

Tifa blinked. "Err… Yuffie Kisaragi?"

"No, the cat you gave me. I named her 'Yuffie.'"

The brunette smiled, unsuccessfully suppressing a giggle. "Vincent, that's the cutest thing I've ever heard."

The gunman rolled his eyes, and the gesture made Tifa laugh even harder. "I named her 'Yuffie' because she likes to steal my materia."

Uh-oh.

"…And she shreds my clothing."

Well, that explained why his cloak looked even more tattered than normal.

Tifa sighed. "I'm sorry, Vincent. I know I should have asked you before sending you a cat."

Vincent looked confused. "What are you talking about?"

"…Aren't you regretting that I sent the cat to you?"

"No, of course I'm not. I really appreciated it, Tifa."

Tifa brightened and grinned widely, and she could have sworn that she saw a rare smile grace Vincent Valentine's face.

* * *

**More will be coming about Vincent's cat. I need a good opportunity to reveal its evil!  
**


	17. Deathly Deadlines

**Don't worry, I'm not dead! I'm just a (very) big procrastinator :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VII.**

* * *

Tseng closed his eyes and rubbed his temple, grinding his teeth together audibly. Elena and Rude glanced at their leader worriedly, before they gloomily returned their eyes to the monstrous piles of paperwork crowding the desks.

Reno was nowhere to be seen. Normally, this wouldn't have been such a big problem, but there were several deadlines to be met today. Every Shinra employee was currently rushing about, panicking over their seemingly impossible workloads and drinking copious amounts of coffee…

…Every employee except for a certain redheaded Turk, that is.

The black-haired man slammed a paper down and signed it so ferociously that the pen snapped in his hand, splattering ink everywhere. Elena furrowed her eyebrows in concern, biting her lip.

"…Sir?"

Her leader's right eye twitched ominously. "I am going to kill Reno," he ground out, looking rather insane as he did so. Letting out a long-suffering sigh, he buried his head in his hands.

"Sir?" Elena repeated tentatively.

"Don't bother me right now, Elena. I'm contemplating suicide," her partner replied, voice slightly muffled.

Rude frowned. "…That's not healthy."

"Neither is being stuck in an office all day, signing papers."

With a collective groan, all three Turks sank into a depressed silence, gazing at the mountain of uncompleted documents. Neither Sephiroth, nor Meteor, nor AVALANCHE, had managed to bring death upon the Turks. It was ironic to think that, after evading doom countless times, it would take a paperwork deadline to finally bring an end to Shinra's finest.

What a depressing thought.

* * *

"Rude, where _is_ Reno, anyway?" Tseng asked, absently fishing out a new pen from his desk. The Turk leader was making an obvious effort to sound like the calm and collected individual he normally was, but was failing miserably.

Rude simply shrugged, but Elena suddenly perked up, brushing her hair away from her tired eyes.

"Listen," she murmured, motioning for her teammates to be quiet. In the now silent office, the approaching sounds were unmistakable. Someone was racing through the halls, making a terrible racket.

The bald Turk rolled his eyes. "Reno."

Sure enough, the aforementioned redhead arrived in the office two minutes later, panting for breath. Huffing in an exaggeratedly exhausted way, he collapsed in an empty chair.

Tseng gave him a severe look. "You're late, Reno."

"Thanks for pointing out the obvious, boss-man."

The Turk leader was persistent. "There are five deadlines today."

"Once again, thanks for pointing out the obvious."

Five minutes later and with a brilliant black eye now marring his face, Reno said, "Tseng, you're an ass."

"Sticks and stones."

"I'm going to sign you up for anger management lessons, yo."

"You do that."

Reno shot Tseng a nasty look and silently accepted an icepack from Elena. The woman shook her head at him, an exasperated expression on her face.

"Tseng's _really _stressed today," she said ruefully. "I hate to tell you this, but you were kinda asking for it."

"Mr. Bipolar punched me in the face and you're saying I _deserved_ it? Thanks a bunch, blondie."

"Shut it, Reno," Elena snapped. "Why were you so late, anyway?"

The redhead paused, ruffling his crimson hair. "I had car trouble," he said finally.

Tseng snorted doubtfully, though he looked a great deal calmer than he had earlier. "_Car_ trouble?"

"Yeah," Reno said defensively. "Why do you never believe me? I'm telling the truth!"

The black-haired Turk sighed. "Reno, I want you to imagine that God is standing right next to you," he said, gesturing vaguely with his hand. "Now, _are_ you lying to me?"

"Damn it, I'm not lying! I rear-ended some dude's car in the parking lot," Reno snapped, his face going slightly red. "We got in a big fight over who should pay the damage, and that's why it took me so long to get here."

Rude shook his head in disbelief. "…Reno."

The redhead rounded on his bald partner angrily. "Shut up! It's not like it's a huge deal or anything!" he snarled, still blushing from embarrassment.

Elena snorted. "Yeah, I bet you 'rear-end' other guys all the time, Reno."

This triggered yet another argument. Amidst the screams, insults, and threats, Tseng and Rude glanced at each other and sighed in despair.

Deadline really was going to be the death of them.

* * *

**Er... Sorry about the rear-ending joke. If you don't get it, then it's probably for the best. xD**

**A/N: I'm labeling this as 'completed' because I've somewhat lost my FFVII muse and it's been very hard for me to crank out ideas for this story. Still, it was a blast while it lasted!  
**


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